Hi,

Im the “Perfect Family Member”.

A bit like “the IT guy” and the “mysterious girl“, I’m all about family as it has just about enough structure and tolerance to allow my bullshit to grow, unlike friends who can choose not to spend any more time with my bollocks.

I’m the person that will greet you with a smile as you enter the door late as I am always early. I will have made the tray of a thousand fancy sausage rolls whilst you feel guilty for actually following the hosts instructions and bringing enough food for ten people. I’m the person who will say goodbye to you with a smile as you leave the door early, whilst I stay late…and so on. You will always get a text from me, on time, on christmas, new years, anniversaries, birthdays, when you leave for holiday, when you return from holiday as if I am an automated bot set on level irritance, but nothing more.

Apart from this concoction of superficial twat behaviour,  you will literally not get an ounce of conversation of any depth from me for the next thirty years you will know me. We shall speak only of holidays, bed linen, sofas and food intolerances. That shall be all. Ask me about my fears, my relationship tribulations, my guilty feelings towards my children, why I sink into a chair the moment this family charade is over and I’ll just smile at you and ask whether you want a sausage roll. The more you push, the more high pitched my offerings will become until I sound and look like a wound up and chewed barbie doll on crack.

Expect no other conversation in between the family dos. There’s no point- I have no need to actually get to know you as a person. Do expect, however, for me to turn up on your death bed to bring some food that no-one will eat, to then bugger off ten minutes later and pat myself on the back for being the perfect family member.

Why am I like this? You can hypothesise. You can come up with one of your theories as you have with “The IT guy” and with the “Mysterious girl” and the rest of the superficial twats. But your guess, unfortunately, is as good as mine, as I yet have not allowed myself to let my mask slip around you. The one thing that is obvious is that I am lonely and tired of hiding my burdens from others in order not to sadden your life. I don’t want to bring my baggage onto the lives of others. What I need to learn is that the range of emotions we experience makes us who we are and that sharing them allows our bonds to grow into something real, rather than remaining superficial. Why not take the chance…liberate  yourself and share the real you, rather than boring us all for the next thirty years we have to see you and eat your shitty sausage rolls.