The Perfect Family Member


Im the “Perfect Family Member”.

A bit like “the IT guy” and the “mysterious girl“, I’m all about family as it has just about enough structure and tolerance to allow my bullshit to grow, unlike friends who can choose not to spend any more time with my bollocks.

I’m the person that will greet you with a smile as you enter the door late as I am always early. I will have made the tray of a thousand fancy sausage rolls whilst you feel guilty for actually following the hosts instructions and bringing enough food for ten people. I’m the person who will say goodbye to you with a smile as you leave the door early, whilst I stay late…and so on. You will always get a text from me, on time, on christmas, new years, anniversaries, birthdays, when you leave for holiday, when you return from holiday as if I am an automated bot set on level irritance, but nothing more.

Apart from this concoction of superficial twat behaviour,  you will literally not get an ounce of conversation of any depth from me for the next thirty years you will know me. We shall speak only of holidays, bed linen, sofas and food intolerances. That shall be all. Ask me about my fears, my relationship tribulations, my guilty feelings towards my children, why I sink into a chair the moment this family charade is over and I’ll just smile at you and ask whether you want a sausage roll. The more you push, the more high pitched my offerings will become until I sound and look like a wound up and chewed barbie doll on crack.

Expect no other conversation in between the family dos. There’s no point- I have no need to actually get to know you as a person. Do expect, however, for me to turn up on your death bed to bring some food that no-one will eat, to then bugger off ten minutes later and pat myself on the back for being the perfect family member.

Why am I like this? You can hypothesise. You can come up with one of your theories as you have with “The IT guy” and with the “Mysterious girl” and the rest of the superficial twats. But your guess, unfortunately, is as good as mine, as I yet have not allowed myself to let my mask slip around you. The one thing that is obvious is that I am lonely and tired of hiding my burdens from others in order not to sadden your life. I don’t want to bring my baggage onto the lives of others. What I need to learn is that the range of emotions we experience makes us who we are and that sharing them allows our bonds to grow into something real, rather than remaining superficial. Why not take the chance…liberate  yourself and share the real you, rather than boring us all for the next thirty years we have to see you and eat your shitty sausage rolls. 


The Mysterious Girl

Hi, I’m “The Mysterious Girl”.

You may find it surprising  to know that I’m actually the girl lucky enough to be dating “The IT Guy,” which itself sounds all very boring, bland and un mysterious.

However, please prepare yourself for the mysterious part. Whilst I’m living in a house of joint ownership with IT Guy, whilst I lived with his parents recently for an entire year waiting for him to get his fucking act together and whilst I take him to all my family do’s and so on, I refuse to marry him.

Why, I hear you ask. And that’s the question I want to hear and for which you will never get a straight answer, for there is no actual answer other than that I would like to be portrayed as mysterious.

Mysterious, for me, means different, unique, special. I’m mysterious also in terms of my social endeavours. If  you want to meet me, you’d need to book 4 months in advance, for my diary is packed. Would you like to know what it is packed with? Of course you would! But I’m not going to tell you, as it would ruin the suspense. It’s more than just spending time with my mum and dad, with my boyfriend and with my one friend named Stacey, I also have specific time for Eastenders.

I don’t watch Game of Thrones so don’t ask me about it. It’s too commonplace, too normal, too un mysterious. Along with Breaking Bad or any other mainstream show. I do, however, watch  Eastenders, which is pretty much all I do watch. Yes, it doesn’t fit in with my mysterious image, but the fact that it doesn’t makes me all the more mysterious though doesn’t it?

I don’t cook, for  thats too commonplace. I don’t learn any other languages. I don’t have any other interests or hobbies. I don’t read or play any instruments. I laughed when my cousin told me she enjoys acting within role playing games as if it was time wasted. What do I do with my time? #Mysterious.

My mysteriousness stems from my relationship with my sister who was far more intelligent than myself growing up and thus held much of the attention of the house. She has always been more capable than me making it very difficult for me to compete with her to gain the validation I needed from my parents. Thus, the roots of the need to be different grew, to compete on a more unique level, a level of which can never be competed against due to its nature of being unknown. What frightens me most is not that I have an ordinary life, but it is that I take great comfort and solace in ordinariness and stability and that I can not do without, for the world is too frightening in its chaos. I need a life where I go to bed at 8pm every night, where I can spend my time with a few close people and where I have the IT Guy who I can depend on for everything. My mysteriousness is my shield from judgement, from expectation, from criticism and from myself recognising my fears of stepping out of my own comfort zone.