Dear My Narcissistic Father

Dear Father,

Firstly, I have to thank you…for you made me the man I am today.

But…I refuse to forsake all my positive aspects to you whilst I burden the negative.

For this is what you desire, the way your mind exists encompasses a “black and white” understanding of the world, a world where my qualities are distinguished by the superior belonging to you, whilst the inferior belongs to the lack of you, or rather… me. A world that I believed for so long and one that made me despise myself.

It is the lack of you that made me the man I am today, along with your presence.

I am grateful for the restaurant dinners once in a while, the fact that I did not have a hungry childhood, that I had warmth, shelter…games to play with. I am grateful for your presence, even though it was mainly just physical.

I am grateful that your constant criticism motivated me to get into university and the  self criticism that persisted produced my degree. Here, I struggle, for it is true that without it would I have become “successful”? My success comes from self doubt, a lack of self worth, a preference to suicide if I was not to succeed, my fear so strong that I lived my life believing I was followed by cameras, watching and criticising my every room, till I was perfect. Yet, without you, it is true, maybe I wouldn’t continue to strive for an unattainable moment of success…as for me, I am incapable of believing anything other than I will never be good enough.

I am grateful also, that you were present but distant. That you were never truly reachable. That any attempt to communicate with you led to criticism, anger or months of silence. It was this that fuelled my curiosity into you. I wondered for years who you are, what made you the way you are, how you were bought up…did you have it tough? Was that what it was? I’m not sure if you knew, but the reason why I used to ask you to walk down the street with me was not because I needed your advice. It was that I wanted to understand you. It was my inquisitiveness of you that led to my interest in psychiatry. It was the question of whether you were Aspergers or Narcissistic, the difficulties of a fit in the box diagnostic approach and the question of whether you are mad or bad or both…this was my childhood dilemma.

I still now, look forward to your invitation to dinner. For it is the brief moment that I can pretend that I am loved by you. Please continue to invite me.

Finally, I am sorry that I will always be angry with you. These are wounds from childhood…the ignored, voiceless, inner child. As a result, it becomes too painful to attend my girlfriend’s family events, because I shed a tear if I see a father play with a ball with his son. She will never understand.

Yes, it is likely that I will always remain angry with you but it has lessened over time. I have come to learn that you are who you are because you too are like me. You did not have a father when you grew up. You did not get to play, but you had it worse. You did not have the nice dinners, the money or the games to sit in your room and play with. You were raised without money. In your anger, you swore to yourself that you would raise your children better and you thought that money is love, for you had no experience of money…nor of love.

I understand this now, for I too now ultimately want to raise my children as a father who loves them, to heal what I didn’t get from you. I wonder what my children will grow up being angry at me for…it may be something that I am unaware of too.

I don’t want to be bitter, father. Or live my life in anger. It is not something that you would notice regardless, but it wouldn’t benefit me…or my future. Building the blocks of self worth on a poor foundation is painstakingly long, with relapses not uncommon, but from believing one is nothing, one can only go upwards. The utmost goal is not that of richness or “success” or other vices to stabilise an insecure ego through narcissistic grandiosity, it is instead that of wholeness and integrity.

 

 

 

 

 

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Why You Should Not Become a doctor: Part 1- The Money

I’m going to slowly convince you why you should not become a doctor over a series of posts.

Why?

Because I became a doctor thinking that after five years of medical school I would be on a great salary, have some status and respect, have a secure job, girls would find me really attractive and I would live happily ever after. 

How wrong I was. 

At the time I didn’t know what being a doctor would really be like. Had I known, then maybe I wouldn’t have made the decision to go to medical school.

I want to give you the realities of medicine so that you can make your own decision with all the information available to you.

1) Becoming a doctor does NOT mean you will be rich.

Don’t get me wrong. If you are a doctor, you will not be poor.

You will certainly get your £50,000. As you go up the NHS ladder, you will get up to around £70,000 or so as a GP or consultant and then after many years if you go private it can go up to £100,000 plus.

I thought this was a good deal before I started. Now I realise I should have listened to a doctor I met at a “want to be a doctor” rip off conference I went to when I was in school, who said “There are far more easier ways to make money than being a doctor”. 

How right she was.

  • To get your £50,000, you will have to do 5 years of gruelling medical school, incurring the student debt of around £45,000 minimum that this costs. Most university degrees are 3 years, so you will be already £18,000 pounds in debt compared to them and have two years less income to show for it by the time you finish. To compare, if you didn’t bother going to university, you would save five years (£45000 plus 5 years loss of income) and could work up a ladder somewhere and get to the same amount quite quickly- I know a lot of people who did just that and are much better off than I am now.
  • You only get 50,000 pounds because you work insane hours. Your actual starting salary as a doctor is £22,862 (here’s the proof)- this is the income for a newly qualified doctor (I didn’t believe it neither). After five years of working as a doctor, it will rise to £34,756. That’s it. The only reason your take home will be more (1.5 times £22,862 or £34,756) is because on top of your normal 9-5 job you will be compulsorily forced to work weekends, evenings and nights. So, in ten years time when your best friend from school invites you for some drinks in London after he finishes work at a bank on a weekday, chances are you will be at work. When your friends want to book a weekend city break, chances are you will be at work. When your best friend wants to get married and you are asked to be the best man (this actually happened to me), chances are you will be at work. In fact, just assume you will be at work all the time. But you will get your £50,000 so congratulations. 
  • To get your £70,000, you will have to work a minimum of another 5-6 years up another ladder after you finish 5 years of medical school. You will be right at the bottom of the ladder, meaning you will be doing all the dog work. This means weekends and nights and evenings for another five years as a minimum- a lot of doctors can’t progress to consultant level and so remain on a salary of £50,000-£70,000, doing nights, evenings and weekends for life. This means you will be doing exams till you hit your thirties (which you will have to pay for)- the same age when you will be jealous of your friends who get to spend time with their children who are growing up so fast whilst you study. You will be called a “trainee” at the age of 28, whilst your peers in other professions will be “managers” up some corporate ladder. By this time you will probably have moved house repeatedly due to having to change job location every six months. I’ve moved home three times in the last 5 years. At this point, you will still find it difficult to buy a home because you don’t know where you will be working as a consultant. So congratulations, I hope your enjoyed your twenties, but don’t worry, because you will get your £70,000.
  • In your thirties, you will be a consultant if all went perfectly as you worked your way up to the ladder. By now, you will be on your £70,000. You will also be literally responsible for people’s lives- the buck completely stops with you.  You will still do your compulsory weekends, evenings and nights but that will only be a part of it. The more difficult part will be that you take your work home more than you ever did before. You will worry about your patients at night. You will pick up the phone from work at any time because you know it’s people’s lives at stake. You will fear some-one falling ill, not just because you will feel like a terrible doctor, but also because you can potentially lose your livelihood, be sued and even face criminal charges for making just one mistake at the workplace. You may buckle under the pressure but not be willing to give up as you sacrificed your whole life to get to this position. You may go on to sacrifice your own physical and mental health and your relationships with your children and family, for the sake of your career as a consultant. Congratulations, you earnt your £70,000.

So, to summarise, you will get your £50,000 – £70,000 but you will earn every penny of it with sweat and sacrifice.  If you want to be a doctor for the money, believe me, you can earn far more for far less work doing something else. 

Oh and by the way, in the current political climate, things are about to get worse.

Trump’s Press Conference: The Not So Hidden Message

Trump Speech

The Dishonest Media can not be trusted but I can. If I say they are lying, that means they are lying. 

Any allegations against me (now or ever)? – “False and Fake” information got released to the public. 

Some of the media outlets I use are fake news. Some of them are vey dishonest people

Does this remind you of Nazi Germany, folks? I don’t mean myself of course, I mean the dishonest media. From now on, if I say they are lying, that means they are lying.

But don’t worry folks….soon we will put a stop to this media. Get em out of here! 

My company is huge, I am highly successful.

My company is huge. I am highly successful. 

My company is huge. I am highly successful. 

Did I mention that I am highly successful?

I’m giving my company to my children, even though I don’t have to, for the sake of my country. Do you see how sacrificial and caring I am? 

What I support is fantastic and will be a beautiful thing. What I don’t support is a disgrace. 

Why Is My Partner So Messy?

It is so common for relationships to disintegrate over one partner being more disordered, messy or cluttered than the other.

This topic resonates with me a lot, for I am extremely messy. 

By messy, I don’t mean unclean– I shower once a day (with shampoo), clean the toilet regularly, hoover the house meticulously, wash the dishes in the dishwasher and use gloves when cleaning out the cat’s litter tray.

I am just messy in the sense that my life is disorganised. I can still function, keep a job, pay my bills on time and meet deadlines. I just tend to pick up the bills from a wad  of papers that I threw on the floor, for example, rather than from a neat folder with dividers. Or I tend to live out of a suitcase, rather than folding and organising my clothes in a cupboard.

There is an obvious distinction between cleanliness i.e hygiene, and mess i.e disorder, which I discuss in my previous article: “Am I too messy or is she too clean”. Commonly, the arguments amongst couples is not about cleanliness, but about mess.

So why am I so messy? 

Some of it, I believe, is just due to differences in what I consider to be an acceptable level of disorder, compared to others. For example, I see no problem with a disorganised coffee table. I feel that the whole point of a wooden slab in the middle of a living room is to put items onto it, not to leave it bare. I don’t believe that the only use of a coffee table is to put a coffee mug on it. I tend to read my book in front of the television, so the best position for me to place my book is on the coffee table- it is a realistic, functional use of a piece of furniture which I consider to have a functional use. My partner has a problem with this, as she feels the table has its function solely as a mantelpiece, or to temporarily position a mug of coffee (on a coaster). In my opinion, it’s hardly a suitable mantlepiece- it is not an artistic piece worthy of such status- it is just a cheap, weathered down table from Ikea- if it has no functional use, I would prefer the extra space of having no coffee table.

Whilst our difference in opinion on what constitutes acceptable mess is part of the problem, I claim that there are other reasons as to why I and so many other people are so messy. 

To understand this, I wish to bring us back to our childhoods, where our mums used to shout at us for having a messy room.

Most children clean their room at first out of fear of being grounded and losing their pocket money. Then, as they grow older, they recognise their room as their own territory and decide that they don’t want to live in mess. So they then organise their room not due to fear of punishment, but due to a desire to improve their own living standards and their own territory.

Congratulations to those children- they will live their lives as respectable, organised, clean adults.

For people like myself, this adaptation from a disorganised toddler to an organised adult failed somewhere. I  claim that this occurs due to two main reasons:

1. The Battle For Territory

As a child, my mum used to shout at me every morning to clean my room. My dad would throw all my clothes from my cupboard and my items from my desk, shout “clean it up” and walk out.

At first, such parental tactics worked– I would clean my room.

But one day, I thought to myself….”what’s the best way to get back at my parents for messing up my room.” The lightbulb moment was that I wouldn’t bother to clean it. After all, I felt that it was not technically my room– it was my parents room and my parents house. By not cleaning “my” room, I was sabotaging “their” territory, not mine. Hence, this is what gave birth to my conformability in disorganisation, making me good within my career in finding order within disorder.

Had my parents given me a key to my room during my adolescence, restricting their entry and told me “it’s “your” room, do what you want with it, we give up”, possibly my reaction at first would have been to leave it in mess, but after a period of time, I hopefully would have decided on my own accord that I don’t want to live in mess and self motivated myself to become organised.

Hence, we come to the Battle for Territory. Animals mark their territory by urinating or defecating every-where. Adolescents do it by placing their items in places around the house. Girlfriends worried that their boyfriend is cheating on them do it by leaving a box of tampons in the bathroom, and so on.

Any parent who’s reading this who struggles with their messy adolescent, try respecting the boundary of their room and encouraging the adolescent to believe it is “their” territory, not yours. You may find that they choose on their own not to sabotage their own territory when they feel it is not under threat by others, hence minimising the need to mark their territory with their own mess.

2. Re-enacting Childhood

Even if in my case as in so many others there was a battle for territory, a need for freedom of expression and independence which led to a messy room in adolescence, why did it continue on into adulthood with my partner? Surely, as a grown man now with my own house, I have no need to mark my territory with mess. There are probably more mature ways of making myself feel like I own my house, by paying my mortgage for example and by actually owning my own house.

Why is it that my partner has now become like my mum, shouting and nagging at me constantly to clean my room?

I believe that the reason for this is within our need to re-enact our childhood traumas through our present relationships, a dynamic that is described well in a video from the School Of life. 

For me, I understand now that I create mess not just to mark my territory or due to finding my level of mess acceptable.

I also now understand that I create my mess because paradoxically, I unconsciously miss my parents shouting at me about mess. It is an engrained trauma by which my understanding of love and affection is in part by my mum screaming at me to put my socks in the washing machine. It is my childhood method of attention seeking and rebellion manifesting as an adult. It is of no surprise then that I find myself attracted to obsessive clean- freaks, for they are vulnerable to allowing my projections of disorganisation to affect them, creating the counter-transference of anger and annoyance that I seek a reaction from to feel like I am loved again.

“True love is finding someone whose demons play well with yours” – The Joker”
― The Joker Batman Arkham City

So as we wonder whether our partner is so messy to deliberately wind us up, we can take solace in the knowledge that this may literally be the case. I doubt that these insights will stop a couple from fighting but may help understand why it is they are fighting and why something so small as a misplaced book on a coffee table may be such a touchy, argument provoking subject.

Why Our Partner Is So Much Like Our Parent

I really like this video.

It demonstrates well the link between our choice of partner and our understanding of love and affection from our relationship with our parents.

It tells us how we re-inact our past within our current relationships, where we either “seek out the fault of a parent in a partner, or mimic a fault of a parent in a partner”. 

Very relevant for those of us who have been in an unstable relationship….and wonder why we keep attracting abusive, unstable relationships within our lives.

On a more positive note…Happy New Year!

The New Junior Doctor Contract: Exception Reporting, The Guardian Role and Power Dynamics

We all recall with interest Samuel L Jackson’s role in Quentin Tarantino’s film “Django Unchained,” playing the role of the slave manager within the film and reporting to Mr Candie, the slave owner, of any difficulties amongst the slaves.

What is of interest, of course, is that Samuel L Jackson is Afro-carribean himself, whilst the film itself portrays 1858 Texas, depicting the slavery that occurred amongst Afro-carribeans and the inherent acceptability of racism within the society at the time.

His role as an Afro-carribean man, controlling the Afro-carribean slaves, was demonstrated in Samuel L Jackson (named as Stephen within the film) being a slave himself, but in a higher hierarchical position than the other slaves, giving him the privilege within this position to talk back at both Mr Candie and at Django in a way that the other slaves would not dare to.

Thus, whilst Stephen would never have the status and prestige within the film of a Caucasian man in 1858 Texas, he was able to behave under certain boundaries as if he had this status. A further important point to note is that Stephen actually believed he had such status and prestige, due primarily to his loyalty and servitude to Mr Candie’s father, whilst of course, Stephen was never to reach equality within this film due to the racist beliefs of Mr Candie, who justified such beliefs by carving a skull to show how, in his view, the skull of an Afrocaribbean will always differ anatomically from that of a Caucasian man.

I look with interest at the underlying power dynamics taking place within the film with reference to that of the current NHS Junior Doctor crises, which this year has led to industrial action for the first time in history amongst junior doctors over an imposition of the new contract.

I find that doctors are the most interesting profession to study within power dynamics, for they are truly an abused profession.

Particularly, the unfortunate power dynamic played towards doctors by those in power attempting to mask their power, is to try and convince doctors that doctors are in power, that they have influence and that their views are being listened to and taken into consideration, whilst in reality, within the organisation, the majority of doctors often have little power or influence over much other than the management of their individual patients and their views on more broader issues are often ignored. 

This masking of power extends to that of the public who assume that doctors are in authoritative positions, holding the strings, in charge of hospitals and the NHS organisation and hence responsible for its failures, whilst actually, the NHS is in the deep claws of a political chess game, of which those who are on the front line and who actually understand the realities of the NHS are pushed to the side, devalued and undermined. 

To give an example in current times of how power is imposed and controlled amongst a bright, academically brilliant group of people, let us simply look at the new Junior Doctor contract and the “exception reporting” and “guardian role”.

Within the current Junior Doctors contract, if doctors work an excess of hours, the trusts themselves are financially penalised. The new contract will enforce a method of “exception reporting”, which essentially means that the junior doctors will have to declare through a form based procedure that they have worked over their stipulated hours. This will then come under scrutiny from their educational supervisor (who is also a doctor), who will, (as taken directly from NHS Employers website) “discuss with the doctor what action is necessary to address the exception and to ensure that it remains an exception.” Following this, NHS England has stated “where exceptions become more regular or frequent, a work schedule review will usually be required. The guardian (also a doctor), will also be informed, who’s role it is to “oversee the work schedule review process and will seek to address concerns relating to hours worked and access to training opportunities.”

Of course, it is an obvious predictability that the flaw within this system is that the responsibility as to why doctors are unable to keep to their assigned hours will fall into the hands of the individual doctor, or the educational supervisor (a doctor), or the guardian (a doctor), and be blamed on the character flaws, work ethics or competency of the individual junior doctor, rather than that of the Trust, or the work load being unsustainable, or the intense pressures faced on the clinical workforce due to underfunding and understaffing.

Don’t believe me?

Have a look the latest NHS Employers factsheet on Guardian Fines, released only a few months prior to full imposition of the new contract, which states: “In anything other than truly exceptional circumstances, the levying of a fine indicates that the system has failed and that some-one- the supervisor, the guardian or the individual doctor concerned- has failed to discharge his or her responsibilities appropriately“.

What is less obvious than this predictable outcome, however, is the ingenuity of using senior doctors (i.e. the educational supervisor and Guardian) themselves within this process to manage and supervise the individual junior doctor’s exception reporting. The educational supervisor is a senior doctor that needs to sign off the individual junior doctor at the end of each year so that he or she can progress up the system, so this obviously is going to deter junior doctors from raising exception reporting as ultimately it will create more work for their superiors. Apart from this, the emphasis of the role of educational supervisors will be on identifying, as NHS England has stated themselves, that the “exception remains an expection”, otherwise “a work schedule review” will be required, hence placing the educational supervisor in a position of having to scrutinise, ensure the competency of the junior doctor and to “improve” the junior doctor, in order to demonstrate that attempts were made in ensuring that this remains an exception, rather than being able to redirect the problem to its probable cause which is that of the organisation the doctors work for.

I argue here the similarities of power structures between that of the new junior doctor exception reporting process and that used within Django Unchained. This may sound far-fetched, making a comparison to junior doctors and historic times of slavery, but I mean not the barbaric and inhumane slavery itself, but of the mechanisms used to control slaves, which was to incorporate “one of their own”, some-one who speaks the language of the slaves, and is himself, a slave. This is the mechanism that acted as the buffer system within Django Unchained, with the benefit for the master that the anger would be directed from the slaves towards Stephen. Stephen was placed in a position as the communicator between the master and the slaves whilst handling all the dirty work for Mr Candie, allowing Mr Candie, if he so chooses, to act friendly and kind amongst his slaves.

Whilst the BMA apparently believes it was their negotiations that led to this guardian system, I question to what level this was considered in terms of its ability to be misused and its potential manipulation of other more senior doctors to be used within this power structure.

I urge therefore that those taking up the role of the Guardian or the educational supervisors themselves, to consider fully how they may be in a vulnerable position and may be misused by those in power as a buffer system to project and divert blame and enforce a contract which 98% of junior voted against, and to please not wrongly believe, like Stephen did, that this contract has granted them with an actual position of power and influence in real organisational terms.

Caring, For His or Her Own Satisfaction

“Like the proverbial husband who works all day to support his crippled wife, yet would probably abandon her were she to regain her health and become a successful career woman. It is much more satisfying to sacrifice oneself for the poor victim than to enable the other to overcome their victim status and perhaps become even more successful than ourselves.”- Slavoj Zizek, Living in the End Times