The IT Guy


I’m “The IT Guy”,

I am not just any old IT guy. I am a boss of five other IT guys.

That means I choose to use the company funds to buy my IT guys a nespresso coffee machine. I also get to choose the location of  the once a year christmas parties, and, as I like to say repeatedly- “when the boss says he wants to go sleep and heads home early, they like it”.

And that, in a nutshell, is my life. I don’t have  much to say about my actual job as fixing computers isn’t all that interesting.

But I am interesting and I need every-one to know that I am interesting. I want you all to look at my house in awe which I pretend is in chelsea when it’s not. I want you to notice that I bring the best cheese board for christmas, that I bring the best presents to people who weren’t even expecting it and thus experience the awkward moment of having not got me anything in return. I want you to watch my parenting  skills of other peoples children to demonstrate what a poor job they are doing and how I can fix it in ten minutes. I want to shed out advice on the plumbing situations of the toilet to my elderly in-laws even though I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. I want you to believe that I’m the modernest, hippest, apron wearing three course cooking man. I want to demonstrate my discipline to you by not even eating the food I make because of my self diagnosed gluten intolerance. Of course, I’m too perfect to experience any symptoms when I eat gluten apart from a possible cold, but that doesn’t stop me from expecting gluten free food every-time I visit along with portraying  you to be indulgent pigs just for eating a regular diet. I boast that I once knew years ago people from “Made in Chelsea” as if that is something to boast about. I will never ask about your accomplishments, your career or your lives as it takes away the limelight from myself.

All in all, I want you to know that I’m not just the nearby IT man. I’m special. What I don’t want you to know is that I’ve spent my life struggling to develop relationships with others and have thus lived with my parents till the age of 30, until I finally managed to form a relationship with a woman. I have a relationship of providence for this woman where I am financially and intellectually superior towards her and she lacks confidence in herself, thus creating a reliance and dependance on myself and reducing the risk of her abandoning me when shit hits the fan and she realises that she’s alienated her own family by sticking up for me as they’ve all had enough of my shit, which she was too blinded by my constant need for admiration to notice. I survive longer within a family structure as people have to put up with my superficial crap for longer due to their dutiful obligations. 

I over-compensate in self discipline in other areas of my life, for example, restriction of diet, for the complete lack of control I have for my excessive, over empowering need for constant validation and admiration. 

To summarise, I’m an IT guy who’s desperate for people to like me. That doesn’t however make my behaviour of which I have no insight into excusable. It does not invalidate your frustration and anger of having to be around me. It just means that I am the stable prick that you will have to be around as you are family members of my girlfriend until I turn her against you.